Friday, September 7, 2012

TRICKS and TRAPS

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!!?

So many garden magazines, so many shows, so many articles, blogs and opinions. So much information, so many handy hints and useful tricks.

There are many ways in which to prune a rose, infinite combinations of colours and forms, many effective fertilisers for every plant and purpose. However, each of us will find our own favourites, our own set ways, our own rules of thumb.

Over the years of working in the great outdoors, I have observed many interesting situations, met some champions and some pukes, and have gleaned many a juicy tidbit of knowledge which I have boiled down to the purest nuggets of gold. I impart these sage words with the hope that they will bring you happy lucky fortune and hold you in good stead.



When in doubt, DO NOT plant AGAPANTHUS. It is a BUSHLAND WEED

DOG SHIT is NOT a GOOD FERTILISER - the GOOD PEOPLE WHO LEAVE IT ON YOUR LAWN HAVE BEEN MISINFORMED

URGENCY OF JOB is in INVERSE PROPORTION to SPEED OF PAYMENT

...Likewise TREE SIZE to GARDEN SIZE

Hmmmm... Come to think of it, also GREENNESS OF THUMB to NUMBER OF PLANTS RECEIVED AS GIFTS 

RE COURTYARDS: GIANT BIRD OF PARADISE is NOT a MISNOMER

CONTINUOUSLY PLANTING THE SAME THING WILL NOT BORE NEMATODES TO DEATH

HEDGES = 2 STEPS FORWARD, 1 STEP BACK



And my NUMBER ONE PIECE OF ADVICE:

WHITE POLISHED RIVER PEBBLES' natural habitats are RIVERS, not LAWNS



WHAT

THE

F@#$?